Carpal Tunnel Hotline, Anyone?

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40 Million Commitment-Averse People?

My personal experience has determined that at least half of all Spaniards have commitment issues. Other than the fact that the marriage rates are among the lowest in the world and that young people barely seem to get into relationships, the Spanish seem to avoid locking them into even the things they seek out. I say this based on my experience as a private English teacher. Plenty of people contacted me via e-mail saying they were interested and then quickly stopped responding when I gave them more information on scheduling and cost, which I can hardly blame them for.

My issue, however, lies with the ones who go through all the motions and then at the last minute back out. Out of the 10 serious candidates I've had contact me, I am now down to three students. It's hard to make a living out of something when clients continue to not materialize!

Two out of the first four people to contact me ended up deciding against everything after setting times to meet "due to personal issues." The next couple who wanted a tutor for their children kept me on for three weeks, and then told me on the day of our seventh class that it was my last day, no explanations given. Then there was Lara, a friend of my flatmates, who needed to improve her English for business meetings (she works for an Australian retailer). I tried to be as flexible as possible with her availability, but after two classes, she stopped calling me to schedule classes and only after I contacted her a week later did she say she didn't have time. She still owes me 36€ and has a book of mine. Next came Mario, who wanted an intensive refresher course for an interview he had in January. I tried to let him know that I would be travelling throughout December and it would be a good idea to schedule classes as soon as possible, but he continued to jerk me around until the first week of January. We never set an actual date, his interview passed and I still haven't heard from him. Then there was Carlos, who said he was interested in improving his English to change jobs. We exchanged approximately 20 emails, discussed availabilities and prices (he endlessly tried to haggle with me, begging me to lower the price because he "has two kids and a mortgage!"), and finally arranged to meet. A day later I get an email explaining that, not only did he not find a new job, but he also lost the one he had. I didn't know how to respond, considering I only knew he existed by a Yahoo! email address and was hardly in a position to sympathize. The most recent one to fuck with me was Igor, an assumed businessman. He wanted a rapid and intensive refresher course to help his transition to a new job. On top of asking for my CV, credentials, availability, etc., he wanted me to give him a full two-week lesson plan at the drop of a hat. He also expected me to begin the same day he proposed a schedule for the two weeks, which would have given me a whopping two hours to prepare. After I told him I couldn't possibly do it during exams, we arranged to turn the two weeks into one and meet this Monday. On Saturday I get an email telling me that he had decided to leave the topic of English classes for another time, only after I had gone through the effort of preparing the first class and rearranging my schedule to accomodate his needs.

Is it just me, or does it seem like this entire country has commitment issues? Am I wrong for expecting that setting a date means having a verbal contract? Everyone recognizes the importance of English in the working world, especially in Spain and Europe, but when it comes down to time to turn desire into deed, they all back out. My question is: Why do they even bother jerking me around if they don't plan to put anything into practice? GRR!

Lust on Platform 2

Why must the strangest things happen to me at the most inopportune moments?

So on my way home from teaching, I descend the stairs in the train station to the tracks and I pass a guy about my age. I don't think anything of it, but when I get to the middle of the platform, I look back and we cross glances. I then turn away and watch the news displayed on the monitor. A second later, I look over again and realize that he's staring at me and smiling. I don't quite know what to make of it, so I quickly go back to watching the TV. He's a young guy, average height, thin build, dark hair, light complexion, adorable smile - all good things in my book. I smile as I look over again, only to realize that he's now staring intently at me. I hurriedly look for something to do, but the sign still says 3 minutes. I clumsily fish my pack of gum out of my pocket, but in the process I drop the tube of posters that Paloma had given me and am forced to bend over and pick them up. Not only do I feel entirely sheepish, but as I look over again, he seems far too amused and is now staring at me with the intensity with which a wolf stalks a rabbit. I can do nothing but blush and timidly smile back, but after a short while, I get nervous and stare back at the ground, not knowing quite what to do. His train arrives a minute before mine, but it stays in the station for a bit. Rather than sit down, he stands leaning against the doorway smirking at me like something out of a James Dean film. My train arrives and I hurriedly shuffle in to find that it's standing room only. Even though at this point I'm as red as a tomato, I turn back around to look at the guy, and sure enough, he's still smiling at me, beckoning a response. I can only blush more as the doors begin to close and he waves at me as cute as can be. Our trains depart the station at the same time, leaving me with a 45-minute ride to smile, shake my head and wonder what might have been...

Why me? Why today? I'm sick, I haven't slept, I'm unshaven and wearing old jeans and a t-shirt. Of all the times for something like this to happen to me, it has to occur when I'm feeling the least confident. Sure, I can chuckle about it now, but an hour ago I could only stand there and smile like an idiot. Please tell me I'll have another chance!

Well THAT was a fun trip

Call me cheap, but I refuse to pay 10€ to get into a dirty pub I don't even like in the hopes of finding people I barely associate with and watch an American football game I'm not even interested in! This night has become far too indicative of my life of late.

The Future is Now

Throughout my life, I've always had at least some idea of what I wanted to be when I grew up and how to achieve my goals. I flirted with the thought of many professions, often more than one at a time. In chronological order, they are:

Policeman
Architect
Industrial Engineer
Environmental Scientist
Military Intelligence Officer
Foreign Service Officer
Interpreter/Translator
Campaign Manager
Sports Agent
International Corporate Lawyer
International Human Rights Lawyer
Professor of International Relations
Professor of Romance Linguistics

So why, all of a sudden, do I clam up when someone asks me what my plan for this coming year is?!

Coming up short, yet going far...

So far today I've drunk two coffees, half a carton of juice and an entire two-litre bottle of Coca Light, but haven't eaten anything.

My clients haven't paid me yet, I'm far behind in studying for my exams and I haven't been running in a week.

On top of that, I haven't accomplished any of my goals on either the personal or professional front.

I feel like I've just been wasting my time for an entire month.

However, it looks like I will be going to Provence in February between when I finish my exams and when I begin my new courses, so all is not bleak!

Cultural Diglossia?

Recently I've been thinking a lot about my studies and I've arrived at the startling conclusion that I am caught between two cultures, if not more. In the last five years, I have invested most of my energy in learning Spanish and, to a lesser extent, French. I've studied their history, analysed their most important changes, read their most famous texts, become well aware of the cultures that surround them. However, I know that I will never be able to become fully Spanish or fully French in the cultural sense. My knowledge of both systems began 10 years later than natives, and for as well as I speak both languages or for as much as I've studied both cultures, I can never relate 100% to all situations since I wasn't raised with their children's songs, I didn't start out in their educational systems, I never experienced grandpa's war stories.

Today in my History of the Spanish Language class, I found myself amazed at the number of important people and works I recognized. My professor rattled off the names of Cervantes, Garcilaso de la Vega, Quevedo and others, and I was proud that I had read them. But then I set to thinking that perhaps I've lost something along the way, particularly my own culture. I've appreciated Voltaire, Molière and, more recently, Camus in their native language. I've studied Goya, Velázquez and Gaudí ad nauseam. I can rattle off the most important phases of European integration. But when I sat down to think, I came to the sad realization that I have never read Hemingway or Kerouac, nor can I recite from memory more than one of Shakespeare's sonnets; I don't really know the compositions of Gershwin or the songs of Judy Garland or the works of Bette Davis (or even Bette Midler); I never experienced the prom or played baseball, nor have I seen Rent or Wicked, on Broadway or off. Hell, I've read more historical texts in Latin than I have anything except The Economist in English lately.

It's not that I'm not proud of the knowledge I have, but the saying, "The more you know, the more you realize you don't know," really rings true to me right now. It's hard to be proud of your accomplishments when your familiarity with various cultures seems so incomplete. New Year's Resolution nº13, subsection 5: Stop being an uncultured fuck: read, watch, experience!

Stocks Drop, Temperatures Rise, the Race Is On

In the same day the Madrid Stock Exchange dropped by 7.7 percent, the temperature reached a high of 17ºC (63ºF). The latter is very good, considering it is January and I am already able to run outside and avoid paying and arm and a leg for a gym. The former is very bad, considering it is the largest drop in 20 years and is indicative of other major drops in world markets impulsed by the projected recession in the US due to the sub-prime mortgage crisis. However, if the if the Fed's lowering of interest rates has a positive effect (the dollar doesn't drop more against the euro) and the weather continues to be gorgeous, February promises to be a beautiful month for me!

I'm currently in the midst of a hellish two weeks, given that I have an exam on Friday, another on Wednesday and then three papers to finish for early February. However, there is reason to hope! Tomorrow we're taking a trip to the Palacio de El Pardo, which would seem to imply that my professor isn't too worried about our knowledge of the course material and should also be quite cool. Last week I found out that one of my papers was extended two weeks, and today I've learned that my grade in the class that most worries me is far better than I expected. The prof has given me a 9, an 8 and a 9 on our first three assignments, so provided I don't fuck up the last two, I should be sitting pretty!

I'm currently debating between a few courses for next term and whether to schedule all five of them in one (hellish) day in order to have a four-day weekend to travel. The jury's still out on that one. I've also received notice from two acquaintances that are interested in English classes, so if the scheduling works out, my income is set to go up nicely!

At any rate, writing more would only be delaying the inevitable, so I suppose this shall be all for this entry, dear reader(s?). I just hope that in this race, like so many others, the winner doesn't lose all...

Tough Decisions

I am honestly debating spending my last 5€ to go to Starbucks to study for exams. It sounds crazy, but I do it for two reasons. First, I accomplish absolutely nothing while at home. There's a complete mental division that equates home with comfort and the outside world with work, impossible to mix the two. If I don't isolate myself outside of my flat, I will accomplish nothing, full stop. Second, I've had it with my flatmate hounding me for my rent money so he can go out. Granted, it is his money that I've owed him for three weeks, but I've already told him a dozen times that there's nothing I can do. My mother has deposited $4500 in my account, but since it's in overdraft, they're going to hold it until the 29th. I'm overdrawn because I needed that money, yet they're not going to make it available to me for another week - does that make much sense?

I've also realized lately that, in an odd way, my propensity for procrastination stems from my perfectionism. Rather than beginning things and accomplishing them in a timely manner, I sit and mull over them until it's too late. One of my many New Year's resolutions is to prioritise and finish tasks ahead of schedule, a plan which I need to put into action. I've been worrying about formatting and internationalizing my CV/résumé a lot, but instead of asking for feedback or producing various versions, I've just put it off. Considering I only have about five months to be on the market, do research and line up interviews, I really ought to be pushing myself more. Thankfully I've got Ken in Boston to keep me on track and act as my agent of sorts, and with any luck I'll have a final version completed this week and a few prospects within a month or so!

In other news, as of today I have not had a car for 42 months. Three and a half years without a vehicle - I find it something to celebrate! But on the other hand, I'm dreading going back "home" (or to a new home) and being forced to buy a car for lack of public transport. I've relied on it so much now that I almost can't fathom living someplace where I'm not able to get around easily, not to mention the cost. I've told myself that my first vehicle will be a hybrid and only when I absolutely need one, so we'll see how that plan goes.

In any case, I ought to be off for a run and then to study so my exams don't creep up on me, so this is the end of this rant. Until the next.

Simply Complex

I have created this blog because, rather than being sleeping soundly, my worrisome nature has kept me awake in a whirlwind of thoughts, emotions and dreams. I know not what I plan to write about, but since the one thing that I have always excelled at is analysing, it is only fitting that I should derive some benefit out of my overactive brain. I don't know where I stand in life right now, and all I long for is the comfort of someone who listens attentively and knows exactly what to say to make my fears go away. In absence of that person, writing is the next best therapy. Thus, you, dear reader, are subject to my interminable musings and occasional bouts of neurosis. Enjoy, agree, criticise, detest, but most of all, share!